When worry hovers

I don't want to write on ugly days. When the cold comes from inside. I hide on those days. Hibernate in pity.

The last two weeks have been wonderful. Sister in town, camping with friends. Tim was home, and we spent time taking stock of our days, counting our blessings. My heart should rejoice before the Giver of every good gift.

But anxiety takes hold. My head makes my stomach turn. And the coffee helps me worry faster.

My anxiety isn't my situation - it's my heart. My heart that mistrusts God. Not even a specific mistrust. General misgiving and unbelief.

I would ask if anyone else struggles with unbelief, but that's a ridiculous attempt to self justify. You're either struggling with unbelief or overcome by unbelief. Anxiety is common, not right.

Break through from the God I'm barely speaking to:

The story of Esther preached - a woman who never records a prayer, doesn't even identify herself with God's people until the last second, and God uses her to save His people. Not even all of his people. His obedient people returned to Jerusalem with Nehemiah and Ezra. This was the rebellious crowd who chose to live in paganism. God used a borderline believer to save a hardened people.

I don't want to stay in a godless, wrestling state with barely a prayer recorded. But I needed a reminder that God doesn't 'need' good people. He uses struggling cowards too.

Today, I am a struggling coward, fearing man and striving after foolishness. There's still a place for me in God's kingdom. Amen.

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Compulsive Listing

I love lists. Writing them, organizing them, checking them off {I smile just thinking about checking a box}.

What? No one is surprised?

Actually, I love lists because I'm not naturally organized. I'm a habitual forgetter - drove my mom nuts. When I can't do anything, I remember, then forget when I could. This causes great anxiety because my forgetfulness always lets someone down, usually DH.

But once a task is on the list, it's as good as done. No more forgetting. It's in black and white on Evernote, so computer and phone and even DH can remind me to get it done.

When I sit down in the morning to read and pray, my mind spins with what I need to do, when I have time to do it, what order, what priority. I want to start my list. Then I won't have to think about it any more. I can focus:

God, let me get my stuff in order, then we can talk. Just let me schedule my day, then you can have my full attention.

That sounds so reasonable. 5, maybe 10 minutes to order my tasks and clear my mind before I spend time with God. But it never works. Now I am distracted by the list. Did I forget to add something? Should I plan the rest of the week too? Did I leave room for blogging and cleaning and playing with the girls?