Early this morning, I pray over a defiant head, Bless with joy and peace. Protect from anger and temptation to sin. Lead to righteousness. Eyes up, I don't want righteousness. I want to be angry! A new prayer forms, Spirit, grant a new heart that seeks you. My momma heart is heavy.
The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. James 1:20.
Our verse of this storm.
What I didn't prepare my heart for... my own anger. By lunch, I was nearly in tears of rage. Baby is teething. Both girls are acting out in their irritation from the incessant crying. Now lunch is burning, and Gwennan is trying to ask me questions about mythological PBS dinosours over the exhaust fan, stand mixer, and screaming baby. That's when the egg was hurled at the sink wall as my rage bubble finally burst.
Fast forward through one more hour of fussing and fits and disobedience. Naps arrive, and graciously, they all sleep. at the same time. this hasn't happened in quite a while.
Open my Bible, Please Lord, some sanity restored! I see today's scheduled reading and immediately look for an escape route.
Woe to you whitewashed tombs, full of uncleanness, who appear righteous to others, but within you are full of hypocrisy, Matthew 23:27, 28
Graves hidden under life - grass, flowers - no marker to alert people to avoid this contaminating spot.
Part of me, the still raging part, wants to accuse, I thought you promised not to break a bruised reed? What am I today if not bruised??
Except He isn't breaking me, not today. Honest, bare moment: Did I lose my temper? Yes. Did I scream that rage at my kids? Yes. Did I try to make them feel guilty for causing my sinful rage? That one stings, and yes.
My children are being led to the throne by a hypocrite. Or are they? Yes, I am a hyprocrite, preaching righteousness and exercising wrath. But I'm not leading them to the throne. The Holy Spirit holds their little hands and guides them.
I breathe deep. That's why all those wonderful, godly parents reply, I didn't do anything, when I press them about how they raised wonderful, godly children. Even a few years of parenting is teaching me that all parents are hypocrites, myself the chief. Those wiser parents are exactly right to say, God did all the important work.
Thank you, Father. You give grace when I show none. You give peace when I sow strife. You set our feet on paths of righteousness. Your burden is light on me because it is all on you, and You are strong enough to bear up. I trust my family to you!